June update

      So about a little over a month has gone by since my last post and I wanted to post an update.

      I feel that I have been improving slightly on my day-to-day mood.  I've met a great girl and I have gone out with her 3 times.  I'm willing to work with her schedule as she is a single mother.  And although we have differences there are many similarities between us.  I like the fact that she is a strong mother and the fact that she is a Christian.  

     I'm trying to get over the shyness that I've pretty much always struggled with on dates.  Many times, I feel like I'm not being myself and that I'm just playing a role which is wrong.  I'm hoping that the more times we talk and hang out, the more comfortable I will become.  I've always been a quiet person and many times I struggle having a conversation with someone.  I will admit though that on the few times I have gone out with her I have been feeling more and more comfortable each time.  So I am hoping that I will get better at talking and sharing with her and not be afraid of revealing the type of person that I am.

  As I have said before, my faith is very important to me.  I am not always the best in keeping with going to church regularly but I try to pray each night and ask God for help as I try to improve different areas of my life.  Nobody is perfect and living is not always easy, but I do feel I am making some progress and that is heartening.

     I have been cooking more at home and enjoying it.  I used to dread all the extra cleanup that was required when I cook but now, I just suck it up and do it.  I still have days where I order out for dinner because it's easier, but I've enjoyed finding new recipes online and trying to grow my culinary expertise.

    With the weather getting hotter outside I haven't been walking at the park as much.  I need to use my exercise bike more at home so that I'm able to get more activity in.  Many nights after work I feel glued to the couch.  Part of the problem is that I have low Testosterone and I had been skipping the weekly shots I'm supposed to be taking.  For the last 3 weeks though I have kept up with them.  Daily exercise I am realizing is more and more important the older I get.  Even if its just walking around my house.  Exercise helps combat brain fogginess (which I have suffered) and depression so not only are there physical benefits, there are mental benefits as well.

Thanks everyone for reading and here's to a good summer for all of us.

Thoughts on marriage and companionship

     One of my oldest and closest friends got married this month.  We have been friends since 3rd grade and played little league baseball together.  Even after grade school when I went to college and didn't see him as often, we kept in touch.  A big part of that was playing fantasy baseball and football together on Yahoo.  During the short period of time where I moved away when my company moved to Dallas, we did our best to keep in touch.  Discussing the latest on the Astros rebuild, wondering if the Texans would ever get a QB.  I would come back at least one weekend a month to see my parents and hopefully also see him and his family.

     I am overjoyed that he is married now and starting his own family.  And its also made me realize that I myself need to start trying harder to meet people.  Lately I haven't had the urge to stop by my regular bar after work.  I don't feel like drinking, it's not getting me anywhere in life.  I'm wasting my life away by drinking at bars and also wasting money that I should be saving.

    I feel like I am at a crossroads.  I guess this is a mid life crisis type of thing.  I'm tired of coming home to an empty house.  Feeling alone with no hope.  I really need to work on my self esteem because if I don't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to.  I have been praying more at night which has given me some peace, but I do feel like I still have a lot of anxiety.

    I am seeing my therapist in the beginning of May to discuss some of these things with her.  There is no quick and easy solution I understand, but I hope I can get my mind out of this cycle of dread I am currently in where I feel like the future is hopeless and that I will always be alone.

    Take time to hug and talk to your loved ones and let them know that you love and care about them.  None of us is promised anything in the future.  Thank you for reading this.

Self reflection

      Lately I have been in one of my quiet reflective moods.  It comes with my bi-polar disorder sometimes.  I withdraw from people and kind of shell up for a while.  I'm not really sad or depressed or anything like that.  It's just sometimes I feel the world is a bit too much for me to deal with sometimes, so I limit my exposure to certain things.

     These are usually productive times for me, so I have been trying to do some things that I have been putting off for a while.  From small things like cleaning my house and organizing, to larger things like working on spots of my life that I need to improve on to maximize my happiness and wellbeing.

     I've started reading again which has been productive.  I'm still reading Matthew Perry's autobiography which I admit is hard to get through at times.  He really is lucky to be alive, alcohol can be such a debilitating force.  I've toyed with the idea of going completely sober.  The older I get the more I realize just how dangerous alcohol can be.  And how easy it is to overindulge and misuse.  

     I've also been reading the Bible more lately too.  I'm trying to incorporate reading from it into my daily routine, whether it's actually opening my bible and reading or using the app on my phone.  I'm not always perfect and I forget sometimes but overall, it's been great for me.

First workout class!

      Just had my first workout class in a very long time and I had some thoughts that I wanted to write down about it.

     First off, I had forgotten how good that post workout feeling is!  Sure, I was exhausted after the class because I am out of shape, but my adrenaline was really kicking in and overall, I felt great.  Writing this today, I am sore which I expected.  I'm still very happy with myself though for committing to signing up for the class.  My normal routing after work is to eat dinner and then just sit on the couch watching YouTube, playing video games, or listening to music.  So this has been a huge change for me even if it's just been 1 day.

     I'm hoping that I am able to keep up with this class at least through the first month.  After the month I'll decide on whether I want to continue.  It's a M-F class so 5 days a week.  It will not be easy, but I am hopeful and excited for what is ahead of me.

God bless

New Year thoughts

     It's hard to believe that we are starting 2023 now.  2022 seems like it blew by.  Time is constant obviously, but I feel like the older you get, the faster time seems to travel.  I'm not sure why this is, maybe because as we age, we take on more responsibilities?  Anyways 2023 is here.

     I am going to renew my effort to look for another job.  I've pretty much accepted that my current position at my company will not change and I will not be given the raise that I am long overdue for.  By continuing to stay here, I am undervaluing myself.  My experience at this company surely must be worth something to other companies that are hiring out there.  I just need to continue to keep a positive attitude about it and not be discouraged by not getting call backs and interviews.

     I plan to be healthier this year overall.  Exercise more, improve my diet, drink less alcohol, surround myself with positive influences rather than negative ones.  It's not going to be easy but at 40 soon to be 41, it's a vital thing for me to do.  As the old saying goes, "You're not getting any younger".  I've been unhealthy for a while now in several aspects of my life.  Physically, spiritually, and mentally.  My immediate goal is to start on the physical aspect.  Improve my diet and exercise.  With that starting to improve (hopefully), I'm hoping that will spur my spiritual and mental health.  Gaining better confidence in myself and making better life choices.

     I realize this will not be easy and I plan to do a monthly "checkup" to see what my progress is like and what I have to further improve.  I've started this year strangely introspective and reflective on myself.  I admit that I am currently not very happy with my situation in life, and I want to improve that.