Holiday blues

      Time to update my blog once again.  My doctor decreased my anti-depressant meds last month because I have been doing well but I've been feeling really down lately.  Trying to keep a positive outlook on life can be difficult when everything around me just feels dark.

    I think the number one thing I need to find is a new job.  My current job's workload has slowed to a crawl recently and I don't get any feeling of gratification from work like I used to.  I feel insignificant at work like nothing I do matters, and my bosses have not given me and my co-worker a raise since they have bought the company over 5 years ago.  I've updated my resume and sent it out to a few companies but only have had 2 responses and 1 phone interview.  I sympathize with other job seekers out there as I've forgotten how difficult and trying it can be when you are searching for new work opportunities.

    With the colder weather starting to come and the amount of rain we have had lately, I haven't been going for walks at the park by my house.  So as a result, I've been exercising less and have stopped losing weight.  I haven't been gaining at least but I know I still have a long way to go.  I'm pre-diabetic and my doctor wants me to lose 40 pounds.  At my last physical my cholesterol was higher too, so I need to change my diet and start eating healthier.

     I am proud to say that I have not been drinking alcohol as much as I had been earlier this year.  I haven't gone completely sober but I have done better at limiting myself to just 2 or 3 drinks a month.  I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't need to have alcohol to enjoy myself which has been a massive improvement for me.  

    And last but not least I think just being alone again on the holidays is wearing on me.  I love my parents and know that I'm not really alone because I'll be with them but I still long to have someone else in my life.  My parents are getting older and they are all I really have besides a few close friends.  I want a family of my own, I just need to be patient and try to stay positive.  

End of summer

     Once again it has been to long since an update.  Here are just a few of my thoughts.

     Another summer is almost over.  Fall begins on September 22nd.  I'm getting excited for the upcoming football season, college and pro.  Yeah the Texans are terrible and the Steelers are rebuilding but still, I enjoy watching football.  I'm very excited for the upcoming college season for UH.  They are projected to compete for the AAC title along with Cincinnati and possibly UCF.  I renewed my season tickets again so I will be going to the games.

     I've had a few dates this summer but still nothing sticking yet.  I was hoping to be in a relationship by now but its not that easy.  Fall is my favorite season so I am really looking forward to it.  Hopefully I'll meet some new people.  

     One lesson that I have learned this summer is that you can't press too much on finding a relationship.  I've never really pressed that much before but now that I am in my 40s, I am pressing more.  The good thing is that I know what I am looking for in a relationship which makes it easier for me to sort out the people that don't have the same goals as me.  I want to start a family.  Most of my friends are married with kids and even though I don't show it, I am super jealous.  It's frustrating.  But I trust that God will show me the right path.  I just have to continue on, not getting too down, and being strong.  Dating is not easy to say the least.

     I can't believe that another summer is nearly over.  In many ways it feels like it has flown by.  I've been playing my guitar more lately which has been fun.  I feel like I am improving but at a slow pace.  I just need to stick at it.  I really really enjoy playing.  It's a great way to just clear my mind and just jam.

     I still am working on getting healthier.  My weight has gone back up again a little unfortunately, but I know what I need to do.  I just need to stop procrastinating and remain disciplined.

     I've really kind of tuned out of politics lately.  Its been very refreshing.  I realize how toxic the current political landscape is and how polarizing it is.  The overturning of Roe v Wade has only added fuel to that fire.  I was shocked that it happened, and I'm really not sure how I feel about it.  I am pro-life but I understand people who are pro-choice.  There are some persuasive arguments on that side also.  Overall I just stay out of it.

     God bless ya'll.  Hope everyone has had a great summer.

The past, and learning to let go...

    Hey guys.  I've been in a very introspective mood lately and thought I should update my blog.

   I want to talk about the past in this post.  Specifically past mistakes that we make in our lives.  Whether it be with friends, family, even strangers.  My whole life I have always personally struggled with forgiving myself.  It's something that I talk about with my therapist often.  I'm my own worst critic.  I tend to dwell on past mistakes whatever they might be and let it eat me alive, robbing myself of inner peace and time.  I recognize that this is toxic behavior, without getting too preachy, God didn't put us on this earth to constantly worry and beat ourselves up about past mistakes.  Learning from our mistakes and moving on is important of course, but continually dwelling on past failures does nothing.  None of us can change the past.

   This past weekend I personally made a mistake.  I don't want to get into the details yet at this time but needless to say it's still bothering me now as I type this.  For whatever reason, moving on is very difficult for me.  I think my Catholic upbringing is part of the reason for my current feelings.  As Catholics, we are taught that we are saved by the mercy and grace of God.  That none of us are worthy of being saved.  My relationship with God has wavered like I'm sure most people have.  Somedays I feel very inline and connected, others I act completely indifferent.  I always feel that I am striving to be perfect in my behavior and interactions with others but ultimately fall short because as humans, none of us are perfect.  I've prayed about it and confessed my sins to God but yet it still gnaws at me because it's something that I cannot change.

   One positive outcome from this has been that I have started looking deeper at myself and my own flaws and trying to improve.  I've also started a small garden in my backyard and that's given me peace.  I know that I will get through this, it's just hard.

War

 There is war in Europe again.  Something I honestly did not expect to see.  I think it's something that most of the world did not expect to see either.

When Putin started amassing his troops on the border of Ukraine, I just thought it was postering.  Trying to get something out of the European countries and NATO.  Unfortunately, they invaded, and the Ukrainian people are suffering.  The Russians are suffering too with heavy losses.  And the international community is suffering with rising energy costs due to boycotting Russian oil.

Most of Europe has gone the clean energy route, which is great, but in my mind, they went too far.  They have a heavy reliance on Russian imports of Natural Gas and Oil.  Green energy is all well and good and may be the future, but in my opinion, the technology is not quite there for our energy needs currently.  Fossil fuels are still extremely important in the world market.

I still am trying to figure out what Putin's "end-game" is.  The international community has shut him out of the money system or the most part.  The US has installed some tough sanctions against them along with other countries.  The price of the Russian Ruble has dropped a ton, so their economy has to be really suffering.  I kind of understand that he wants to re-unite the countries that broke off after the collapse of the Soviet Union, but this is an old style of thinking.  The world is much closer now with technology then it was during the Cold War.  Countries are able to communicate better and faster and come together quicker to counter a threat.  Plus, the people living in these easter bloc countries like Ukraine seem to HATE Russia because of how brutal socialism was in their countries.  There may be some separatist regions, but the majority of these countries will fight to keep their way of life, no matter the odds.

I really don't have too much to say on all of this, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  My heart aches for the death and suffering of the innocent civilians in Ukraine caught up in this.  I also feel bad for the Russian people that didn't sign up for this war, and the Russian soldiers who seem really green and are just now realizing that they have been duped into this war.  There have been many reports of Russian POWs that have talked about the mis information campaign their government has been waging.  Putin is claiming that he is "de-Nazifying" the country and that the Ukraine is run by Fascists and White supremacists.

In general, I along with many other looks for this whole thing to end immediately.  Putin must be stopped but at the same time, we don't want to be drawn into a war.  It's not WW3 yet but it could easily come down to that depending on decisions made by some world leaders.  I hope and pray for an immediate end to hostilities and that the pain and suffering of all the innocents ends.  May God bless them.